Being Alone in Good Company

Being alone is a funny thing. One minute you’re alone and it’s the best feeling in the world and then the next it’s a terrifying experience. Why is this?

A few minutes ago I got caught in the rain. I went to the finance office to deliver a bill and on the way back it started pouring. The few people that were outside scurried past me, hidden under their umbrellas and soon I was alone in Harvard Square, an area which is normally quite busy at all times of the day. As I was walking I automatically shortened my steps and slowed down so I wouldn’t slip on the wet brick sidewalk. In doing this suddenly everything changed. I felt so serene and in power of my life. I made this choice to walk slowly through the rain without my umbrella and I was going to enjoy it. I let the water drip off my bangs and slide down my nose. I felt my clothes dampen from the falling water which began to pool in my shoes just under my arch. Every sensation was amazing…I couldn’t think of anything better than walking alone in the rain. At that moment, life was perfect…

Last night, on the contrary, I hated being alone. I went to a bar to meet my boyfriend. He had called me ten minutes prior and told me he was waiting for me but when I got there, he wasn’t to be found. “He must be in the bathroom” I said to myself as I slowly eased myself up to the bar and cautiously ordered a drink. I wasn’t comfortable being there by myself. It felt like everyone was watching me, like I was on display at the curiosity shop. As I sat there my eyes kept scanning the room nervously, hoping that he was there and I just didn’t see him at first, but he wasn’t there. Every time the door opened my head shot in that direction and I desperately was hoping it was him walking in. I tried to talk myself out of this nervous, agitated state. “This is silly Laura. It’s not a big deal to be here by yourself. There are numerous people that are here alone. Why are you so uncomfortable? Just calm down and enjoy yourself.” But no matter how logical my inner voice was, I just didn’t want to be there alone. I wasn’t comfortable.
Funny how the mind works that one minute being alone can be a freeing and empowering experience and the other it can be almost torturous. What is the difference in the two situations that it would make a difference? Either way, I’m always in good company! Why would it make a difference if other people are around or not? I don’t judge others negatively for being alone so why do I judge myself negatively at times? Why would I even care if other people were judging me?

I don’t really understand this behavior but I think that if I were less comfortable in situations like this I would feel more free to do what I wanted when I wanted without feeling the need to drag someone along with me simply so I won’t be alone.
Do you feel this way too? Let’s make a challenge for ourselves. Let’s do at least one thing a week by ourselves that we normally wouldn’t be comfortable doing. Today I’m going to lunch today by myself….and I’m going to enjoy it.