Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Your snoring is testing my patience!

New years resolution based on the book the Happiness Project includes  trying to get more sleep. As soon as i decided upon this goal, my fiancé picks up a horrible snoring habit out of the blue. Even as I write this, he's lying in bed beside me snoring away.  With every breath he takes I can feel my body tensing and my patience wearing thin. This is the perfect time to work on another resolution...to meditate, center myself, harness my chi or whatever you want to call calming the f down! I need to seriously learn how to chill out and let things go. Ok Laura, you can do this! Close your eyes, go to your happy place. Breathe in.....breathe out....ahhhh let the relaxation begin and the sleep will soon follow

Monday, July 11, 2011

Love Isn't Perfect....Nor Should it Be

Try to see it my way,
Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong.
Why do you see it your way
There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long

Ok so this isn’t exactly how the Beatles wrote it, but sadly this is what I thought they wrote, and it sort of makes perfect sense to me. I don’t know about you, but there have been countless times that I’ve been in an argument and I’ve said “Just try to see it from my perspective. Put yourself in my shoes so you can understand why I feel the way I feel.” Of course this sentiment is true, but only as partial truth…which I didn’t realize until this weekend. I didn’t realize that I was saying this statement not because I had taken time to think about how the other person was feeling and what is causing them to act a certain way; I was saying this because I thought I was right and I was trying to make the other person understand that I was right. OOPS!

So…yesterday I had a hormone/exhaustion/spoiled-brat tantrum. I’m talking like a two year old full on meltdown, where you are crying so hard that you can’t breathe and snot is pouring down your face but you don’t really realize it because its mixed with so many tears. Yeah..THAT kind of meltdown. I’m really embarrassed about this and it’s hard for me to admit it openly but, this is a journey here so I’ve got to be open and honest about my experiences and lessons learned from them.

Now what caused this tantrum you might ask? Well…I could say boredom and loneliness had a big factor, but honestly it was mostly because my boyfriend was hanging out with his friends and not me. Now this could be a legitimate reason to be upset…unless you take into consideration that we were all hanging out together and I got tired and left. Plus when I was leaving, I told him to stay and have fun and to take his time…”no need to rush home” were my exact words, I believe. Then, when he wasn’t home two hours later I got upset and screamed at him over the phone saying he OBVIOUSLY didn’t care about our relationship and then started sobbing hysterically because he was “avoiding coming home” because he didn’t like me. Um….ok Laura!…get a flippin grip!!

Yeah I know, embarrassing, and pathetic! The worst part was that I tried to justify why I was mad at him by essentially telling him that he should have been able to predict my thoughts and feelings at the exact moment that they were occurring and react accordingly. AND…because he didn’t posess these super powers…he was a horrible boyfriend.

Seriously…who gave me a first class ticket to crazytown!!! No one would be able to live up to those expectations! Just because I am living in this quest for “perfection” doesn’t mean that I need to drag everyone down with me!

I guess I am learning another lesson about perfection. Love isn’t perfect, nor should it be. Now, the challenge is to remember this before I get upset again. Maybe it would be helpful to write that mantra on my cell phone home screen!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Being Alone in Good Company

Being alone is a funny thing. One minute you’re alone and it’s the best feeling in the world and then the next it’s a terrifying experience. Why is this?

A few minutes ago I got caught in the rain. I went to the finance office to deliver a bill and on the way back it started pouring. The few people that were outside scurried past me, hidden under their umbrellas and soon I was alone in Harvard Square, an area which is normally quite busy at all times of the day. As I was walking I automatically shortened my steps and slowed down so I wouldn’t slip on the wet brick sidewalk. In doing this suddenly everything changed. I felt so serene and in power of my life. I made this choice to walk slowly through the rain without my umbrella and I was going to enjoy it. I let the water drip off my bangs and slide down my nose. I felt my clothes dampen from the falling water which began to pool in my shoes just under my arch. Every sensation was amazing…I couldn’t think of anything better than walking alone in the rain. At that moment, life was perfect…

Last night, on the contrary, I hated being alone. I went to a bar to meet my boyfriend. He had called me ten minutes prior and told me he was waiting for me but when I got there, he wasn’t to be found. “He must be in the bathroom” I said to myself as I slowly eased myself up to the bar and cautiously ordered a drink. I wasn’t comfortable being there by myself. It felt like everyone was watching me, like I was on display at the curiosity shop. As I sat there my eyes kept scanning the room nervously, hoping that he was there and I just didn’t see him at first, but he wasn’t there. Every time the door opened my head shot in that direction and I desperately was hoping it was him walking in. I tried to talk myself out of this nervous, agitated state. “This is silly Laura. It’s not a big deal to be here by yourself. There are numerous people that are here alone. Why are you so uncomfortable? Just calm down and enjoy yourself.” But no matter how logical my inner voice was, I just didn’t want to be there alone. I wasn’t comfortable.
Funny how the mind works that one minute being alone can be a freeing and empowering experience and the other it can be almost torturous. What is the difference in the two situations that it would make a difference? Either way, I’m always in good company! Why would it make a difference if other people are around or not? I don’t judge others negatively for being alone so why do I judge myself negatively at times? Why would I even care if other people were judging me?

I don’t really understand this behavior but I think that if I were less comfortable in situations like this I would feel more free to do what I wanted when I wanted without feeling the need to drag someone along with me simply so I won’t be alone.
Do you feel this way too? Let’s make a challenge for ourselves. Let’s do at least one thing a week by ourselves that we normally wouldn’t be comfortable doing. Today I’m going to lunch today by myself….and I’m going to enjoy it.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Living Perfect

Unhappy...blame...sad...blame....self loathe...blame... hmm....I'm seeing a pattern here. Don't worry, I'm not saying I'm blaming you! I've had some major changes in my life lately and I have to admit, I haven't handled them gracefully.

Two months ago I moved from California, where I've lived for all 31 years of my life, to Massachussetts, a place that I barely knew anything about. What I did know was that my boyfriend, a few friends, a great job opportunity, and a chance to have the picture perfect life that I always dreamed of was waiting for....haha...so I thought!

Laura, Laura, Laura...at this age you need to start realize that nothing is perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah..I know...so why do I keep putting this pressure on myself to "live perfect"?

I have created this image of what the perfect Laura should be and in struggling to reach this ridiculously high standard that I've created for myself I've put a major strain on my relationship and am constantly dissapointed in myself. I don't like who I am because I'm not the Laura that I'm "supposed to be".

Well this is about to change! Of course these feelings and expectations aren't just going to melt away over night but from now on I'm making it a priority to accept who I am and appreciate what I have. I shouldn't be unhappy because I'm not perfect....I should be greatful because I have an amazing life. I am surrounded by amazing people, I have a fabulous job that I love, and a partner who tells me that he loves me every single day.

One of my goals in this self transformation is to document the process. I want to be able to hold myself accountable for my actions and document the process of self discovery and self acceptance. Please feel free to tag along on this journey with me. It will be difficult, exciting, and hopefully fun.